The Unlearn
Rethinking My Narratives.
I grew up in a loving, Christian home. I went to a private Christian elementary, middle school, high school, and college. Attending Christian high school and college was 100% my choice. I made the choice because that is what worked for me. It was convenient, I had friends, and it was what I knew. It was a beautiful bubble. It was effective to believe.
Now I feel like it’s time to come out of the closet. I don’t know where I stand in terms of religion, spirituality, or just about anything that’s going on. It hurts to say this. It’s scary to say this. There’s still a voice in my head that is saying something about denying Christ = death. I feel like I am abandoning some friends and will now be looked at differently. It kinda sucks, but I think it’s part of life and growth.
I used to have testimony envy. I hope a long time Christian feels me on this. People of all ages would come and talk to us at the hundreds of chapels I have attended in my life about how their life used to suck and how it was made better by finding Christ. They found Jesus after years of being “lost” and I was jealous. They knew what it was like on the other side, while I had no clue! But, their stories kept me from wanting to see what was on the other side. Their testimonies were so much stronger than my “I was converted at the dinner table when I was 6” story. I thought it must have meant so much more for them than it did me.
Being Christian was my identity. I was trying to be the “light” in the dark world. I made a promise to God that if I made the baseball team in college that I would be that light and be different in a way that would attract people to what I thought was the truth. I’d lead prayers and prided myself on the fact that I was a strong man of faith.
With this identity came an arrogance. I didn’t used to feel the arrogance when I was in my specific bubble, but when I started my deconstruction I realized this arrogance. I thought that I was somehow better than people because of the things I did and did not do. I was better because I tithed and did not underage drink. I was better because of a whole laundry list of things I did not do such as sex, curse, gossip, etc.
Looking back at this I cringe. I realize that these “bad things” were labeled bad just because of the narratives I grew up with and were instilled into my being. I think these narratives did serve to keep me out of a significant amount of trouble but also sheltered me from the world.
Nothing was ever forced on me, I just didn’t feel like deeply thinking about anything. I mean why would I? I had a great life. I was going to heaven, I was safe, fed, playing ball, and doing school. I didn’t have any brain power to devote to thinking about religion or philosophy. I would avoid such topics because I often had nothing to say.
The same shoe that I was wearing at 10 years old didn’t quite fit at 25.
My philosophizing buddy Graham made an interesting comment about this image. One that I’ll continue to give more thought to. This image portrays the distinction between Eastern and Western thought. Westerners will see an obvious hole in the chest that needs filling to become enlightened. An Eastern thinker sees a sticker in the shape of a triangle that needs to be pulled off. So the question is whether we need something (a god, higher power) to fulfill us or if we have the power within ourselves to see through the hole and simply pull off the sticker.
I’ve seen how Christianity can be a force of absolute good, but I’ve also seen how it can be toxic when the message isn’t conveyed or digested properly (this message has been debated on for centuries).
The Beginning
The unlearn started on my trip to Sumatra. I still considered myself a strong Christian then. I found a Chilean, surfing doctor in Bali and we ended up escaping the touristy Bali crowd for some Sumatran bliss. We ended up having some deep conversations about faith and reality. My standard day in Sumatra consisted of a morning surf, food, get lost or nap, surf again and then bedtime. Our scoot adventures to the waves or during the getting lost part of my day opened my eyes to the different narratives around the world. Sumatra is 97.42% Muslim. I heard the prayer calls and observed their culture. The villages that seemed untouched by outside influence kinda made me realize that there’s no way these people will be “saved” according to my definition.
How was my God or belief system any better than theirs? Why are these people going to go to hell and I’m not?
Despite my probably thousands of hours in Christian classes, I never really got too into history or apologetics. Why? I didn’t need to. The system worked for me. It was through such a lens that I made sense of the world. And now? Well, it doesn’t capture my interest at this very point in time.
There’s people so much smarter than me who make money debating all sides of the never-ending argument. This is just where I’m at now.
I’m tearing up writing this right now. Christianity defined me. It inspired me. It offered me so much. Am I lost without it? I don’t think so. In fact, I think I still have it. It’s just I don’t see it as literal or as black and white as I used to. As for now, I think I’m better off without it as I continue to define what “it” is for me.
Just as we all are unique, I think we all may have a unique way to connect spiritually.
So Now I..
- Still let my light shine bright.
- Feel like I can love people better now.
- Feel a sense of freedom, yet guilt still lingers.
- Still wonder how the difference of thinking that we are fundamentally good or fundamentally bad affects our psychology.
- Am a spiritual seeker. Jesus has been my teacher. He probably always will be. My definitions and perspectives have changed, while his great narratives remain powerful and I believe good.
- Still don’t know anything. Nor do I care too, too much. I like listening to smart people debate things though.
- Feel more open minded.
- Don’t label myself.
- Realize I’m on a never-ending journey. I have broken down my once very rigid boundaries and am excited to see what’s next.
- Can’t wait to come back in a year and see how much I’ve evolved.
- Continue to expand my bubble. Is this good or bad?
- Am down to have deep talks and would love to know what anybody/everybody is thinking!
- Am still pretty scared of drugs, but am curious and think they may have an interesting place in society.
- Feel really good that I got this off my chest.
My break from my childhood faith has been a smooth process. I’m super grateful for the way I was raised and I think it offers a solid foundation for me to build upon.
I, like prominent Catholic, Father Richard Rohr, think that going through a deconstruction phase is a necessary step towards the end goal of enlightenment. I’m not sure what reconstruction will end up looking like for me. I may fall back on the metaphors and powerful stories the Bible provides. As for now, I’m stoked to be on the journey.
Resources
The Liturgists Podcast — This is a perfect resource if you are currently in a faith deconstruction/rethink like I find myself in now.
I like listening to Sam Harris (I keep up sometimes), Jordan Peterson (Get well soon), my old church, Weinstein Bros, Richard Rohr, Rob Bell and I’ll continue updating this as I remember more. Maybe one day I’ll get into the heavy philosophy. Oh ya the book Sapiens is cool. It talks about religion’s role in history.
Graham — all this guy does is sit in his van and read all day. He cares way too much about this stuff. Can’t wait to read his book one day after all the information and wisdom he’s collected. He’s fed me so many resources. Cheers.
